If you’ve been living under a rock, or have been in a long-term relationship, you have probably never heard of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Here is a link: 5 Love Languages Essentially, it is a short quiz that you can take online that identifies your primary love language out of 5: Words of affirmation, Quality time, Physical touch, Acts of service, and Receiving gifts. Each love language has specific things that can be done by a spouse or significant other that will be identified by the partner as a show of love. For example, a person who has Words of affirmation as a love language will feel the most love from someone saying how much they are loved, appreciated, etc.
I had never heard of this until I began dating and read about it in several profiles. Intrigued, I took the test online, pretty sure of my results. I knew that I needed lots of quality time together to feel love. Chapman posits that we seek love in the form we were shown as a child.
Imagine my surprise when Physical touch, followed closely by Acts of service, was my primary love language. My family was famously NON-demonstrative. A kiss on the cheek to the parents before bed was pretty much the sum total of physical touch of my childhood. A forehead feel when illness was suspected. That’s about it. My parents were never the touchy-feely kind. I know they love me anyway, despite the lack of physical affection. They are good parents, supporting me emotionally even now.
So to have physical touch as my primary love language is a head-scratcher. Nonetheless, I’m going with it. I LOVE physical touch. I CRAVE physical touch.
This is not primarily about sexual touch, however, you perverts 🙂 It is about the day-to-day touch, the NEED for a physical connection, that is important to me. I hope that my needs for physical touch can help others understand and show love to their women with this same need. Of course, I am one woman. Your mileage may vary.
- Holding hands – whenever we go anywhere in public, you need to hold my hand. Or hold my arm. Or let me hold your arm. Or put your arm on my waist. The point being I NEED physical touch when out. Period.
- Hug me – hug me from behind. From the front. Just hold me. And don’t hug me with a few pats on the back. I hate that. I’m not a baby needing to be burped. Hold me standing and don’t let go.
- Lay with me – before sex, after sex, in bed, on the couch, snuggle with me. Slide your leg up and down mine, and I’ll do the same. Full, long body contact is best.
- Play with my hair – run your hands through it, twirl the strands, offer to (and actually do it) brush it.
- Spoon me in bed – or I’ll spoon you, or at least touch feet. I generally need a lot of space when I sleep, but if you are in my bed, then I need to be touching you somehow. I might roll over and kiss your shoulder, and roll right back over. But it’s touch.
- Kiss me – anytime, anywhere! Kiss me hard, kiss me soft. Tongue, no tongue. My neck, shoulders, back, ass. Kiss it all. Let my body know that you see and appreciate me. I WILL feel it in my heart.
- Having sex – keeping it real and honest. I might think you love me, but if we never have sex, you will be relegated to the level of roommate, brother, friend. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I am DONE with that type of primary relationship. I deserve more. So do you.
How to hurt the Physical touch woman
- Physical pain – abuse. You know this.
- Separate too soon after sex – I like a quickie as much as the next girl, but not every time. If you just lay back and let me lay on your one outstretched arm, I am not going to feel loved. Post-sex, I still need touch, rubs, holding. Get up and get dressed, and you may as well have slapped me.
- Pat my head – don’t do this. I hate it. I’m not a dog, or a child.
- Showing signs of disgust when I touch you – if you demonstrate that you don’t like my touch, we are done. I can’t do it. I can’t handle feeling rejected. I HAVE to touch and be touched. It is a non-negotiable item.
- Use my need for touch as a punishment if you are mad – this is a way to cut me deep, hurt me in a way that you cannot imagine. If we are in conflict, we probably need to touch more, not less.
- Refuse to learn my love language, if physical touch is not yours – I would expect an effort if you are not primarily physical touch. I would make an effort to meet your emotional needs if yours were different, I would expect the same from you. Ignore my needs at your own peril.
Interestingly, when I started dating, I did not know any of this. I knew that I missed being with someone. I knew that I am a very demonstrative woman. I knew I missed being touched in a meaningful way.
I went on two dates with a man who, on paper, was perfect for me. Intelligent, kind, successful, etc. But he would not break the touch barrier. I finally took his arm on the second date, and there was no spark. He had no desire to touch me back, in any way. So that was the end of Mr Perfect, as I called him to my friends. Not so perfect after all. My now-boyfriend, on the other hand, broke the touch barrier on the first date, simply by helping me out of his car, then placing his hand on my back as we walked across the street. Once we arrived, he took my hand and we walked around. It felt good, that touch. It was a good start.
If you have a woman with the love language of physical touch, then you need to learn how to show her love. Touch her, and talk to her. Ask her what feels good, and what she needs in the area of touch. You will be well on your way to developing a strong, loving relationship by meeting her needs.