“It happened for a reason”

“It happened for a reason.” This platitude pisses me off more than any other. “If God closes a door, he opens a window.” NO. Fuck you.

I really hate that crap. Sometimes things happen for NO reason. Explain cancer. Accidents. Crib death. Job loss. All that crap. Do I think things happen to make way for better things to happen? NO.

Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God or that you can’t come back from adversity. But I don’t think that bad things happening to good people means that there is something better to come. Sometimes it just sucks. That’s it.

I had repeat shoulder surgery at the beginning of July, and the recuperation is going pretty well. Better than last time, for sure. But a tough time with PT. I keep going, trying to manage the pain, but it is getting better. But are you saying that my first surgery failed so I can have a BETTER surgery? No. Fuck you. Going through this crazy pain AGAIN is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

My mom dies of cancer. Reason? Cancer sucks, that’s why.

One of my friend’s husbands was struck by a car and died yesterday. We are all devastated. Should I tell my new widow friend that it happened for a reason and that it will make way for better? Hell no.

Hurricane Dorian devastated the Bahamas. Reason? That’s the way the planet works. No master plan. No other reason than that.

My point here is simple. Adversity, bad experiences, accidents. These things happen. Not because they are meant to be. But simple because they happen. You can persevere. You can move on. You can learn and grow. You can accept.

You can choose to be a better person each and every day. But don’t ever tell me that it happened for a reason. I might punch you.

A great vacation

The Husband and I took a trip to Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. I have to say, it was probably the best vacation I’ve ever been on. There was a little glitch when we went to The Husband’s niece’s place. We were scheduled to stay there for 2 nights, but one of the first words out of her mouth was how her boyfriend was stressed and the air mattress has a hole and blah blah blah. Continue reading A great vacation

Living (or not) with pain

I live with pain every day. On a 0-10 scale, I have a level 7 most days, although it does go up and down. But it is constant, as I’ve mentioned before. There is no relief for long, no exercise I can do to make it better. I did go to a new orthopedist, and he quite bluntly told me that it is torn (again or still, I don’t know) and the shoulder is completely frozen.

Surgery part 2 is scheduled for July. I hope, pray, beg for relief from this pain. I can take it only because of the possibility of an end to the pain. A cortizone shot in the shoulder only resulted in more pain from the shot, and zero relief.

Continue reading Living (or not) with pain

What happened to April?

I haven’t posted because I hate being a Debbie Downer. But, UGH.

Good news – my son’s depression is abating somewhat. He’s on megadoses of antidepressants, but he’s alive. I visited him in March for 4 days, and the day after I left, he was considering killing himself seriously. He was saved by a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses, of all things. They came knocking at his door, and he talked to them for a while and felt like they were sent by God to talk to him. Whatever kept him alive, because I’m just happy for him.

Good news – marriage is going pretty well. A few bumps here and there. My birthday was the other week. I woke up a bit early, made breakfast, took out the dogs, did the dishes. The Husband woke up and ate, and then had the audacity to say that “we” need to get the cat poop in the living room picked up. “WE”??? Made me mad. The cats don’t belong to either of us. They are my ex’s cats. He is homeless for the fourth time since we split 7 years ago. The cats are staying with us until he gets another place, at the request of my son. My son was asleep so I guess The Husband figured I should clean it up. Kind of pissed me off the whole day, to be honest. I spent to majority of the day at my old house by myself supervising the people cleaning the yard, which took hours and hours, as well as cleaning my garage some. I moved into that house in 1990, and 5 kids later, I have a LOT of crap. So I did that, then had dinner with the family, then off to a concert that I really didn’t want to see, but The Husband did, but I was in a bitchy mood. I tried to get out of it, and told him what the problem was, but sometimes I just need time to reset.

Bad news – my shoulder is not healing right. If you remember I had rotator cuff surgery. I could tell after a month that something was not right. It’s now been 4 months and my shoulder is totally frozen. I can’t lift my arm higher than shoulder height. I’ve actually lost movement. The old doctor told me to deal with it, as if pain that feels as if you are being continually punched is okay. I got a new orthopedist, though, so maybe he can help. But the pain! The pain is awful. I’m at a 7 (out of 10) most days. It goes up, it goes down, but it is always there. It wakes me up, keeps me from sleeping. A constant companion. I try to keep myself distracted, and it works sometimes. I flirt, work, play games. But in the end, it’s still me waking at 4 am and crying because I can’t find any sleeping position that relieves the pain. I don’t want to get addicted to opiods, but what else can I do? I take a dozen ibuprofen a day and it’s taking a toll on my stomach. I am prone to ulcers. If I cannot get relief through physical therapy or another procedure, this may be my life. But I can’t see living like this. Not for long, at least. Right now, I am keeping up the hope that the new doc will be better. He did my other shoulder and was amazing. But time will tell.

Prayers all around

My older son, the one who just got married, is having a hard time. He is suddenly having strange thoughts. He is VERY upset that he will die or someone close to him will die one day. He is realizing he is not immortal, in other words. This has caused him to have a total breakdown. And now he is physically ill on top of it. I spent 3 hours talking to him yesterday while his wife was out getting him stuff. He was crying and was a total mess. I ache because I cannot be there for him. I can’t make him better or do anything but console him. He is freaking out and wouldn’t sleep because he kept saying that he was going to die if he slept.

He is on meds now, but is still having such a hard time. He won’t breathe and come down from his craziness and it’s hard for me. I was there last weekend and he was better, but once I left he went back to where he was. He is lonely where he is, with only his wife for company. They haven’t made any friends, and he totalled his car while driving Uber. He didn’t notify his car insurance company that he was driving for Uber so they won’t pay for this practically brand new car. So that sucks and they certainly don’t have the money for another car nor is he able to work right now.

As a mom, all I want to do is make it better But I can’t. I want to race there and bring him home. I want to save him and fix it all for him.  He’s my son. He is hurting. And so am I.

Surgery sucks

So I’ve had a busy month. I had arthroscopic surgery on my right shoulder to sort of clean it out. I had some tendons that kept swelling with use and exercise. The MRI was clear, so I figured I’d be better after a few days. I had similar surgery on my left shoulder years ago. No problem.

I woke from surgery in no pain (to be expected with a pain pump) but also with a two inch incision in my shoulder. I had a pain pump put in that delivered a numbing med directly into the arm. It was great since I didn’t feel anything. But then it wore off. And, wow! Some serious pain there. Anyway,  it turns out I had a complete rotator cuff tear which meant that the surgery was far more extensive that we thought it would be.

It’s been 5 weeks now and I hate it. I’m still in pain a lot, and I’m angry. I think it’s mostly because I was unprepared for it. Expecting to be fine after a week, but now realizing that this will be MONTHS, if not a year or more to recuperate, well, that sucks. I’m not adapting well to reality.

And this is just after I had emergency surgery for my jaw in December.

So I’m about done with all this bullshit. But I still have months of physical therapy ahead of me.

I’m TRYING to be happy, be content, be accepting. But now I’m just mad. Dammit.

So that’s just me.