Don’t come at me!

“Worry ends where faith begins.”

“I will be as gentle with myself as I am with others”

Bleh bleh bleh

I’m trying to keep calm, keep occupied, so don’t give me platitudes. Give me hopeful facts. Some places have seen their numbers go down substantially. There is a 101 year old woman who has gotten better. But it does me no good to hear these weak sayings. As if I’m supposed to think “Of course! THAT’S why I’m so full of anxiety”.

Shut up!


Keeping it real

2 posts in 2 days? This must be shocking to you all.

So I went to my nurse practitioner today. We talked, I cried. Again. And she diagnosed me with both anxiety and situational depression and now I have Zoloft to help out. I feel better that I’m getting help, but I think I’ll take it further and see a therapist online for some short term therapy. Continue reading Keeping it real

Anxiety time

I’m in a low risk category. I don’t know anyone who has it. I have plenty of food, water, and toilet paper.

But I am not handling this well. I am anxious all the time. I can’t sleep worth anything. It consumes my mind. I’ve been thinking about it for so long, been making plans that others laughed at me for, that now that it’s here, I’m so stressed about everything. My heart rate is skyrocketing. I’m tired but can’t rest. I feel like crying so much that I won’t call my dad so he won’t hear me cry. I am tempted to take a pain pill just so I can sleep. I won’t but I’m tempted. I keep my alcohol use down also.

Continue reading Anxiety time

November 17th

The day after young son turned 21, November 17th arrived, determined to take me out. I suffered two losses that day. First, we got word that The Husband’s best friend of 42 years died 2 days before. He had suffered from several health conditions and refused to see a doctor. He was found Thursday before when he didn’t who up for work. He lived another day before his sister took him off life support. The sister had been told that the two men were not speaking so she didn’t notify him before the friend died.

Then later that evening, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend who moved a thousand miles away. I may never see him again.

Continue reading November 17th

Another milestone

This past weekend, my youngest child turned 21. I had to reflect on 3 years ago, when he turned 18, and how things were the same and how much they differ. On the day he turned 18, Young Son asked if we could go out to dinner at a wing place, his favorite. I gave him a card with $$ and we had a good time. After we ate, he asked me to drop him off at his father’s place. I didn’t see him again for 10 months. I’d get an occasional text from him to let me know he was still alive, but other than that, crickets.

At month 10, he calls. Wants me to pick him up from a hotel because his father is homeless, and they are about to be kicked out of the hotel because the rooms are booked for a football game. So I take him in, along with these stupid cats of his father’s, with the stipulation that he either goes to school or pays rent. He is almost 19 and I am not enabling him to waste his life. Of course, he chooses school, finishes his coursework in less than a semester, gets his high school diploma, and is now in his sophomore year of college.

For his birthday, he again wants to go out to eat, this time to BJ’s Brewhouse. We had celebrated his coming-of-legal-age the evening before after midnight, when I lined up several shot-sized drinks for him to try. So at dinner, we order a few drinks, and enjoy ourselves. He gets another card, with more $$. Again, he wants me to take him to see his dad. But his dad is homeless (again), lost his car to repossession (again), and is at a local pool hall. This time, Young Son asks me to wait. He goes inside, stays for 15 minutes, and comes out. He is ready to go home. To our home. He was quiet on the drive. Turns out…

His dad asked him for money.

So he gave him some of his birthday money.

My ex is biggest kind of loser.

When I start to wonder if it’s all worth it, I remember that Young Son needs me still. I can’t be a total buffer between him and his dad, but I can be a soft place to fall. And that is worth something. If he is disappointed in his dad, I have a better role model right in our own home.


Edit to add: I was a *little* petty on his birthday. I made a public facebook post wishing my son a happy birthday. My ex always hated it when I called him “my son” and insisted he was “our son”. But now I can call him anything I want 🙂


“It happened for a reason”

“It happened for a reason.” This platitude pisses me off more than any other. “If God closes a door, he opens a window.” NO. Fuck you.

I really hate that crap. Sometimes things happen for NO reason. Explain cancer. Accidents. Crib death. Job loss. All that crap. Do I think things happen to make way for better things to happen? NO.

Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God or that you can’t come back from adversity. But I don’t think that bad things happening to good people means that there is something better to come. Sometimes it just sucks. That’s it.

I had repeat shoulder surgery at the beginning of July, and the recuperation is going pretty well. Better than last time, for sure. But a tough time with PT. I keep going, trying to manage the pain, but it is getting better. But are you saying that my first surgery failed so I can have a BETTER surgery? No. Fuck you. Going through this crazy pain AGAIN is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

My mom dies of cancer. Reason? Cancer sucks, that’s why.

One of my friend’s husbands was struck by a car and died yesterday. We are all devastated. Should I tell my new widow friend that it happened for a reason and that it will make way for better? Hell no.

Hurricane Dorian devastated the Bahamas. Reason? That’s the way the planet works. No master plan. No other reason than that.

My point here is simple. Adversity, bad experiences, accidents. These things happen. Not because they are meant to be. But simple because they happen. You can persevere. You can move on. You can learn and grow. You can accept.

You can choose to be a better person each and every day. But don’t ever tell me that it happened for a reason. I might punch you.

A great vacation

The Husband and I took a trip to Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. I have to say, it was probably the best vacation I’ve ever been on. There was a little glitch when we went to The Husband’s niece’s place. We were scheduled to stay there for 2 nights, but one of the first words out of her mouth was how her boyfriend was stressed and the air mattress has a hole and blah blah blah. Continue reading A great vacation

Living (or not) with pain

I live with pain every day. On a 0-10 scale, I have a level 7 most days, although it does go up and down. But it is constant, as I’ve mentioned before. There is no relief for long, no exercise I can do to make it better. I did go to a new orthopedist, and he quite bluntly told me that it is torn (again or still, I don’t know) and the shoulder is completely frozen.

Surgery part 2 is scheduled for July. I hope, pray, beg for relief from this pain. I can take it only because of the possibility of an end to the pain. A cortizone shot in the shoulder only resulted in more pain from the shot, and zero relief.

Continue reading Living (or not) with pain

What happened to April?

I haven’t posted because I hate being a Debbie Downer. But, UGH.

Good news – my son’s depression is abating somewhat. He’s on megadoses of antidepressants, but he’s alive. I visited him in March for 4 days, and the day after I left, he was considering killing himself seriously. He was saved by a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses, of all things. They came knocking at his door, and he talked to them for a while and felt like they were sent by God to talk to him. Whatever kept him alive, because I’m just happy for him.

Good news – marriage is going pretty well. A few bumps here and there. My birthday was the other week. I woke up a bit early, made breakfast, took out the dogs, did the dishes. The Husband woke up and ate, and then had the audacity to say that “we” need to get the cat poop in the living room picked up. “WE”??? Made me mad. The cats don’t belong to either of us. They are my ex’s cats. He is homeless for the fourth time since we split 7 years ago. The cats are staying with us until he gets another place, at the request of my son. My son was asleep so I guess The Husband figured I should clean it up. Kind of pissed me off the whole day, to be honest. I spent to majority of the day at my old house by myself supervising the people cleaning the yard, which took hours and hours, as well as cleaning my garage some. I moved into that house in 1990, and 5 kids later, I have a LOT of crap. So I did that, then had dinner with the family, then off to a concert that I really didn’t want to see, but The Husband did, but I was in a bitchy mood. I tried to get out of it, and told him what the problem was, but sometimes I just need time to reset.

Bad news – my shoulder is not healing right. If you remember I had rotator cuff surgery. I could tell after a month that something was not right. It’s now been 4 months and my shoulder is totally frozen. I can’t lift my arm higher than shoulder height. I’ve actually lost movement. The old doctor told me to deal with it, as if pain that feels as if you are being continually punched is okay. I got a new orthopedist, though, so maybe he can help. But the pain! The pain is awful. I’m at a 7 (out of 10) most days. It goes up, it goes down, but it is always there. It wakes me up, keeps me from sleeping. A constant companion. I try to keep myself distracted, and it works sometimes. I flirt, work, play games. But in the end, it’s still me waking at 4 am and crying because I can’t find any sleeping position that relieves the pain. I don’t want to get addicted to opiods, but what else can I do? I take a dozen ibuprofen a day and it’s taking a toll on my stomach. I am prone to ulcers. If I cannot get relief through physical therapy or another procedure, this may be my life. But I can’t see living like this. Not for long, at least. Right now, I am keeping up the hope that the new doc will be better. He did my other shoulder and was amazing. But time will tell.